I'm in my 40s and realising I fancy women - do I tell my husband? (2024)

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to approach your partner when it comes to sexuality and how to approach someone…in general.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, I’m in my mid-40s, and happily married to a man that I have been with since we were teenagers – we share teenage daughters – and I have come to the realisation that I am probably bisexual. I say probably because I have never actually explored this, I’ve never been with a woman, and I am monogamous. But over recent years I have recognised that I am attracted to women, and occasionally fantasise about it.

Is there any point in disclosing this to my family? I feel like it would seem disruptive and bring uncertainty, and maybe it’s unnecessary as I’m not going to do anything about it. At the same, I feel like I’m holding part of me back, and as a family we’re very open, accepting and transparent. I want my daughters to be able to tell me anything, so is it hypercritical to keep this hidden?

I understand why you’re hesitant to tell your family about this, I think you’re right it would cause questions to arise and for a short little time perhaps cause some disruption. There is so much misconception around bisexuality, and within that there is often a fear in heterosexual relationships that adultery is inevitable because of it.

That is just a misconception, as you say yourself, you’re in a monogamous relationship, and your being attracted to women as well as men doesn’t change your feelings towards your husband or the commitment that you made to him. As I see it, the problem would only arise if you continued to ignore this part of yourself.

Sexuality is not something you can just sweep under the rug in the hope it will go away, there’s a chance that left ignored fantasies might not be enough anymore and to my mind, nothing particularly great comes out of anything left too long to ruminate in the dark. Critically though, it isn’t right that you’re holding a part of yourself back. So if I were you, I think I would tell my family.

Perhaps your partner first, so that you have the chance to work out together what, if anything, it means for your relationship. If you yourself are unsure what you want to gain from the conversation, or how you’d explain it all to your partner, it might even be worth sitting down with a therapist to work out how you feel in yourself, and how you’d like your life to change once you disclose it.

Get as close as you can to feeling sure, then tell him. Allow him to be shocked and perhaps project some initial concerns; namely I guess he’d worry that this meant you wanted to end the relationship to pursue other interests and explore this part of yourself. You need to be able to give him an answer to that. So make sure you have one. And from there, once you’ve established yourselves within this new dynamic, I think you can absolutely tell your daughters. And I think they’d be proud of you for doing so. Good luck.

Dear Em, I’ve been single since 2019 and during that time I have been experiencing anxiety, depression and prone to panic attacks. I was mentally abused in my last relationship and I’m tired of being single but can’t seem to bring myself to go out and meet people.

I’m 36 and really want to have my dream of a husband and kids but each day it seems further and further away – am I just too chicken? I’ve tried counselling and I’ve gotten to the point I can go to work but dating seems out of my reach. I feel that men aren’t interested in me because each partner I’ve had either didn’t want children or just didn’t want them with me. I don’t know how or if I’ll ever get over it to date.

You’re not too chicken, dating is exhausting, and I totally understand that while you’ve been working on your mental health dating feels counterintuitive. It’s exposing and emotive and the absolute opposite of self-preservation. Putting your heart on your sleeve is hard at the best of times, and never more so than when you’re trying to stay on top of feelings of depression, anxiety and panic and all you want to do is wrap yourself up in cotton wool and protect your heart from the world.

I wish I could wave a wand and magic you up the perfect man, but in lieu of that, all I can tell you is that I’m sure he IS out there, but that he won’t find you if you’re hiding. And I know that’s hard, to stand up and out, visible and vulnerable, but you are so worthy of connection and love, and I want you to have the best chance of finding it.

It’s only by being exactly who we are, in front of others, unapologetically that we connect with the ones that are meant for us. Lalalaletmeexplain wrote a brilliant book about modern dating called Block Delete Move On: It’s Not You, It’s Them, which I recommend you read, to arm you before you head back out into the dating world.

I know it’s scary, but your person is out there. And I believe you can find them. But I also know that if you don’t, at least not right now, you’ll be okay too. If children are your dream, there are ways that you can do it by yourself.

Please don’t count yourself out just yet, you’re doing so well, you’ve pulled yourself up from a dark place, back into work and feeling more in control, one step at a time, you’re doing it. So have a little faith, in the process, but mostly, in yourself. You got this xxx.

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